May 5, 2002

This Is My Story

            Bearing the weight of a five-year-old’s sins, I knelt at the altar and asked Jesus into my heart. That was 1976 and our church was holding revival services. I can still clearly remember the tremendous burden of sin I felt, and I knew that the only thing that would take away that burden was Jesus. I wanted that weight to be lifted....I wanted Jesus. My parents were regular church attenders. Being a youngster, of course, I went too, but after asking Jesus into my heart, I wanted to go. Sunday School was my favorite. I loved hearing about all of the Biblical characters...Noah, Moses, Joshua, David....but the stories that I enjoyed most were the ones about Jesus. Jesus feeds 5,000 with a few fish and some bread; Jesus heals a blind man; Jesus makes a lame man walk. Jesus was great! Jesus loved everyone, even those regarded as unlovable and unworthy of love. The more I learned about Him, the more I loved Him. The more I loved Him, the more I wanted to become like Him. As I became older, I began to observe my parents. We went to church every time the church doors were opened; however, I saw little or none of what I was learning about God and His love evidenced in my parents’ day-to-day lives.  In my Sunday School lessons, I was learning about a God who loved everyone. He loved those who were considered unlovable or unworthy and He love them no matter what they may have done. In the reality of our home, unconditional love was not practiced. Guilt and control reigned supreme. Like most children, I occasionally had those moments where I would do something that I wasn’t supposed to do. “Don’t you love me?” Mom would say. “Of course, I do, Mom.” “Well, then, why don’t you behave? If you really loved me, you wouldn’t do that.” Or in some cases it would be, “If you really loved me, you would do such and such.” In my mind, that computed: If I do what Mom wants, Mom loves me. If I do something wrong or I don’t do what Mom wants, Mom doesn’t love me. My mom used this type of control on me to the point that she controlled my entire life. Everything I did was an effort to please her in order to earn her love and approval. Everything I said was said in an attempt to make her happy. The worst thing in the world was to do or say something that would disappoint Mom...or hurt her feelings.  As a result, my relationship with God suffered. I began thinking, “If I do something ‘right,’ God will love me. However, if I do something ‘wrong,’ God won’t love me.” So, I felt the need to earn God’s love and approval. Perhaps if I did enough good things, I could make God love me. If I did A LOT of good things, then God would love me MORE. When I did wrong things, God loved me LESS. What a burden to bear! What could I possibly do that would be good enough to cause God to extend His love to me? On the other hand, look at all the bad stuff that I’d been doing! God will NEVER love me....I’ll always be “owing” Him! By the time I reached my teens, I was hopeless. In addition, I became rebellious. No matter what I did, I never seemed to please my mom. Being a typical teen, I no longer wanted to please my mom anyway! Unfortunately, these feelings overflowed into my relationship with God. I had come to the realization that I couldn’t do anything worthy of earning God’s love. Plus, the guilt of the wrongs I was committing plunged me into despair. I couldn’t even approach God anymore. Even if He would forgive me, why should I ask when I knew I was going to go out and do the same thing tomorrow? In the fall of 1988, during my sophomore year of high school, I began dating the guy that I knew I was going to marry. Naturally, I did everything that I could to please him....to earn his love. It worked, but I was not being truthful. I was not being the real “me,” although to be honest, after spending my entire life trying to please someone else, I’m not sure that I really knew who that person was. I just knew that deep down, I was not really sharing my whole self with Aaron. I was only sharing the parts that I believed pleased him. If he really knew me, I thought, he wouldn’t love me. In 1989, as a junior, I became pregnant. As far as my mom was concerned, this was the ultimate disappointment. After the initial shock, she did her best to be supportive, although she would constantly remind me of her disapproval. Once again, guilt and control took over. However, I realized that I no longer wanted to live just to please my mom. I now had a fiance....and a new life growing inside of me...a person for whom I would be responsible. If nothing else, I did not want my mom controlling my future marriage and I didn’t want my child living under the bondage to which I had been held captive. For many people, the prospect of children causes them to reflect upon their spiritual lives. For me, it was the same. From the time I was about 12 until I became pregnant at 17, I had kept God on the outskirts of my life. I knew He was there; I believed in Him; I longed for a loving relationship with Him; but I couldn’t bring myself to approach Him....the fog of guilt and unworthiness blinded me to His love and goodness. However, being a parent was a job for which I knew I was not qualified. It was a task that was beyond my abilities. Also, I knew that more than anything, I wanted my child to know about the God who loves you just as you are....and who was willing to die for you because He loved you so much. In order for that to happen, I had to get to know God so that I could teach my child about Him. So, that is what we did. We, being Aaron and I. Fortunately, Aaron, my soon-to-be husband, had the same desire. We both wanted to raise our child to know God, but neither of us felt as if we really knew him ourselves. We began attending church regularly, and we were doing our best to learn as much as we could about God and His ways. On July 10, 1990, our son Adam was born. He has been one of the most awesome blessings that God has given me. Looking back upon that time, even though it was one of the most difficult times in my life--dealing with my parents’ disapproval and the consequences of my actions--it was also one of the most significant spiritual experiences of my life. I saw the verse, “For we know that all things work together for good for those who love God, for those who are the called according to His purpose,” played out in my own life. God took what many saw as the worst thing that could possibly happen to a teenage girl and used it for my good and for His purpose and to His glory! God took my mistake and displayed His love for me. Isn’t that awesome? I had spent my whole life thinking that my mistakes caused God NOT to love me. He took my “worst mistake” and used it to begin teaching me what His love was really like. Because of our son, Aaron and I stuck together, despite the many obstacles that lay before us. Because we had determined to raise our son to know God, we began seeking Him. Because we wanted to raise our son together, we decided to marry. And because we believed that marriage was something that God intended to be for life, we persevered through the turbulent first years of our marriage when it would have been very easy to bail out.  Once again, God used what I felt were mistakes to teach me about Himself. Because of my background, every time Aaron and I would have an argument, I would think that he didn’t love me anymore. Each time, I felt as though I had to re-earn Aaron’s love. Through Aaron’s patience, forgiveness, understanding, and love, God began teaching me about His love for me. It took a long time for the reality--I can’t do anything to make God love me more, and there is nothing that I can do to make God love me less---to sink into my being. When it did, what freedom! GOD LOVES ME! God created me; God knows me....and He still LOVES me! Those statements are so simple, yet so profound. After many years of trying to earn God’s love, I finally KNEW that God IS love, that God loves me no matter what, and that God loves me just as I am.  In 1997, our family, now five with the addition of our two daughters born in 1992 and 1994, began attending Mulberry St UMC. That move is just another example of God’s love for us, His faithfulness and His goodness. Through the sermons, Sunday School classes, Wednesday night small groups, and through the wonderful Christian friendships we have developed, my spiritual life has greatly matured. So many spiritual truths have been revealed to me through the various ministries of the church and as I watch the Christian life lived out day-to-day among our friends at church. I still have a lot to learn, but I am so thankful that God has blessed our family with a church where we can continue to grow and mature along with our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ who have the desire to do the same. God has lavished his love on me. He has displayed His love for me in innumerable ways. When I came to Him at the age of five, He entered my life and placed within my heart a desire to know Him and His love.

            Throughout my teenage years, as I was running from Him, He pursued me with His love. When I was going through one of the most difficult times in my life, He wooed me back to Himself. When I began hungering and thirsting for more of Him, He lead our family to a church where we could learn of His character. His love is incomprehensible, unfathomable, unconditional; but best of all, it is unearnable! “This is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” 1 John 4:10 “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God.” Ephesians 2:8 “For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:38-39 Perhaps someone much like myself will read my simple testimony. If so, you may feel as though there is no way you can come to God because you’ve done too many things wrong....your life is a mess....you are not worthy. Not one of us is worthy of God’s love, but He gives it to us anyway. God really is love; He really does love you just as you are. He longs to have a relationship with you and He desires above all else to make His love a reality to YOU! All He asks is that you simply come and accept His gift.

Blessings,

Heidi Hansen