June 18, 2006

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True Manhood

Ephesians 5:25 - 6:4

            The Arrow shirt company ran an ad in magazines for Father’s Day.  It used an acrostic using the word FATHER.  It is a takeoff on the acrostic for mother: “M is for the miracle of Being.  O is for its origin in love.  T is for the tenderness of seeing.  H is for a home no wind can move, and so on.”  The ad, however, was not quite as tender toward dads.  It read:

F is for your favorite occupation.  (A man is pictured asleep in a chair.)

A is for the anniversaries you blew.  (A woman is shown waiting in vain for her husband to come home for their anniversary dinner.)

T is for talk and your sparkling conversation.  (A man is shown reading a newspaper while his children and wife are trying to talk to him.)

H is for the helpful things that you do.  (A man pokes a ladder through a window.)

E is for each time you were forgetful.  (A soon-to-be father is shown leaving his pregnant wife standing at the front of the house while he dashes off to the hospital.)

R is for the recitals that you attended.  (A dad is shown literally being dragged to his child’s piano recital.)

            The ad concludes by saying: “He may not be a perfect father, but he does deserve a perfect gift.  Give him an Arrow shirt for Father’s Day.”  This ad is not alone in the media’s portrayal of men as bumbling fools who never quite get it.  The message is that usually men may mean well, but they rarely do well.  They are either absent from the lives of those in their family, or you are made to wonder if the family would be better if they were absent.  They just can’t help themselves.  They are just big little boys.  They need to be taken care of, and they cannot be relied on.  The real problem with this portrayal of the American male is not that it is a not-so-subtle bashing of men, but that it allows us to live down to what the current culture expects of us.  I suppose some men like this.  It is comfortable not to have to live up to any expectations.  We can just say, “Sorry, I can’t help myself and you will just have to live with it.”

            But the Bible actually has high expectations of men and calls on them to be leaders in the home.  Some have taken these high expectations and twisted them to mean that a man has the privilege of being some kind of despot.  He can be ridiculous and unreasonable, and he still must be obeyed.  He can be selfish and churlish and the little woman just has to get over it.  He can make unreasonable demands and must be followed.  They even claim biblical authority and quote verses like: “For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything” (Ephesians 5:23-24).  Most Christian women I know do a sort of low growl as that scripture is read, while their husbands respond with a subtle smile — and if they are smart, keep quiet. 

            But what does it mean to be the head of the home as Christ is the head of the church?  First, it means that real manhood is marked by: Sacrifice.  Christ became the head of the church, not because of his authority and divine prerogatives, but because he loved the church.  How did Christ love the church?  He laid down his life for it.  If you want to be the head of the home you have to be willing to do the same.  You have to be willing to make sacrifices for your family.  Being the head of the home is not about being right, it is grounded in sacrificial love.  Some men are good at asking their families to make sacrifices, but not so good at making sacrifices which would provide for their needs, protect their safety and promote their well-being.  These are the men who make demands, but who do not listen to their wives or children.  They unilaterally forbid some things, while disregarding the welfare of those God has given them to care for and protect. 

            Marriage is not about the wife making the husband happy, but about the husband taking on the role of sacrificial, loving leadership which becomes a blessing to the family.  That is a million miles from a man thinking only of getting his needs met, or taking on the role of tyrant. 

            Let me give a real example of someone who lived out this kind of sacrificial leadership in his home.  An article in a Christian magazine tells the story of Dr. Robertson McQuilkin.  The author says, “Recently I read a book called A Promise Kept.  It turned out to be one of the best books I’ve ever read. . . .  The author of the book is Dr. Robertson McQuilkin, who was the president of Columbia University in South Carolina for 22 years.  In 1990, he decided to step down from his prestigious post in order to take care of his wife Julie.  Julie had Alzheimer’s disease and required constant care 24 hours a day.  Although he didn’t think much about his decision, the impact of his decision was tremendous around many parts of the world.  Some people lauded his “love with no regrets” for his wife, while others felt his decision was a great loss for the academic world.  Dr. McQuilkin and his wife Julie were full-time missionaries in Japan for 12 years.  Julie also worked in the academic field, public broadcasting and student counseling for many years.  When Dr. McQuilkin walked away from his position as the University president, he was at the peak of his career.  Nevertheless, he chose to give up his fame, accomplishments, job and wealth solely to take care of his wife 24 hours a day.  Some people suggested that he should get a caretaker to do the job.  Or consider placing her in a nursing home to free him up.  But he refused to do either.  It is simply because he made a promise before God at his wedding many years ago.  That ‘For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, and for better or for worse, he will love her, take care and protect her, for as long as they both shall live.’  ‘My wife needs me to accompany her and walk by her side to complete the final stage of her life,’ he added.  According to research, when a wife is struck with a terminal disease, 90% of the husbands in that situation will choose to leave.  So what power helped Dr. McQuilkin to win the battles against the tragedies in his life?  In a short span of time, the life of his eldest son was lost in an accident, then his wife developed Alzheimer’s disease.  That led him to walk away from a glorious career with unlimited potential.  He could choose to grumble and regret, but instead he chose to continue loving his wife and keep his vow before God.”  That is sacrificial, loving leadership. 

            I am proud to say that we have had many examples of that in our own church.  John Warrick lived this lifestyle as he cared for Dorma with her battle with Alzheimer’s.  Don Garvic lived out sacrificial love in his care of Joyce before her death with cancer.  And there have been many others as well.  True manhood is modeling the life of Jesus.  He said, “The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Matthew 20:28). 

            The second point is that true manhood is marked by: Faithfulness.  Christ’s love was a faithful love.  Christ loved his bride, the church, not because she was always beautiful or perfect, but because of his faithful commitment to her.  Christ’s bride has not even always been faithful herself, but Christ remained faithful.  The Bible says, “If we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself” (2 Timothy 2:13).  You see, Christ’s faithfulness does not rest on the good performance on the part of the other, rather it rests on his character.  I had a friend who went out on his wife simply because he wanted to pay her back for something.  It was not something big or some kind of betrayal on her part, but something that was big in his mind.  Another person once told me that he would be faithful to his wife as long as his wife was faithful to him.  It would be awful if she was unfaithful to him, but it really is not the point.  Your faithfulness should not rest on the good performance of your spouse, it should rest on your character.  No one is perfect, and there are always going to be unmet expectations and personality differences, but a real man is faithful because of who he is, not who the other person is. 

            And this faithfulness does not only have to do with affairs.  It is about faithfully loving the other person and meeting their needs whether we feel like it or not.  It is about not putting the other person down and talking about their faults in front of others — using them as the brunt of humor.  Being faithful means not constantly criticizing, correcting and pointing out the other’s faults.  Faithful love is a love that overlooks imperfection. 

            Our culture makes it seem that only the bold and beautiful are worthy of having this kind of relationship.  Moses Mendelssohn was the grandfather of the great German composer Felix Mendelssohn.  He was a brilliant man, but he was also a hunchback.  When he was a young man, he was visiting a family friend who had a beautiful daughter named Frumtje.  Mendelssohn loved her, but Frumtje avoided him and was somewhat frightened by his appearance.  Finally, it was to be the last day of his visit.  He awkwardly climbed the stairs of her home to tell her goodbye.  But as he stood near her, she pretended to be busy with her needlework and never looked up.  To Mendelssohn, her face seemed to glow with an almost celestial radiance.  His heart ached.  He tried to make conversation with her, and eventually began to say what was really on his heart.  “Do you believe marriages are made in heaven?” he asked.  She answered, “Yes I do.  Do you?”  Mendelssohn’s reply was, “Yes, of course.”  He then went on to say, “You see, in heaven at the birth of each boy, the Lord calls out, ‘This boy should get this girl for a wife, and that boy should marry that girl.’  When I was born, the Lord also said, ‘But alas, his wife will have a terrible hump.’  At that moment I called out and said, ‘Oh Lord, a girl who is humpbacked would be a great tragedy.  Please, Lord, give the hump to me and let her be beautiful.’”  Frumtje’s heart was deeply moved.  She stretched out her hand for Mendelssohn’s and later became his wife. 

            This kind of faithful love is so important that it affects our relationship with God.  The Bible says, “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers” (1 Peter 3:7). 

            The third point is that real manhood is marked by: Responsibility.  My grandfather was a man who did not have a real appreciation for work.  During the Great Depression he said that there were no jobs, or if there were, they did not pay enough to make it worth it.  Later on, my grandparents turned their upstairs bedrooms into apartments for railroaders who would come through the Indianapolis terminal.  Looking after the apartments became his “work.”  He did have a little job here and there, but I never remember him going to work.  My father, on the other hand, was a very hard worker.  He was told at a very young age that if he wanted anything he had to find a way to get it for himself.  So very early in his youth he worked.  He delivered papers and delivered medicine from the drug store on his bike — which he bought himself.  He hustled all through his life.  He did not always have a great job, but he always worked very hard and for most of his years worked very long hours.  He made real sacrifices to put me through school.  Even after he retired, he went down to his wood shop every day like it was a job, and he did not emerge until it was time to eat.  Working hard was a habit he could not break.  He was a very responsible person, and he impressed on me the importance of being responsible. 

            I am always amazed at those who do not provide for their family’s needs.  I am not talking about someone who finds it difficult to get a high paying job.  I am talking about those who are unwilling to work.  I had one man tell me recently that he did not want to get a job because he had a problem with authority.  He did not like people telling him what to do.  As a result his household is in financial ruin.  I know of others who may not be as honest, but whose lack of motivation springs from the same immature attitude.  Again, this kind of laziness affects our relationship with God.  The Bible says, “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8).  When I quoted this verse to the man to the man I was talking about, he quit the church. 

            Being a real man means being a responsible man — one who can be counted on.  There are some men who are all talk and no action.  But the real man is one who lives up to his responsibilities and meets the needs of his family.  I am grateful that I could go through the isles of this church this morning and point to example after example of men who, every day, step up to the plate and do whatever is necessary to make their family life good.  They work, they help, they encourage, they are a blessing. 

            The story is told of a young woman who brought home her fiancé to meet her parents.  After dinner, her father wanted to find out more about the young man and invited him into another room, where he asked: “So what are your plans?”  “I am a Bible scholar,”  he replied.  “A Bible scholar.  Hmm,”  the father says.  “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she’s accustomed to?”  “I will study,”  the young man replied, “and God will provide for us.”  “And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?” asked the father.  “I will concentrate on my studies,”  the young man said, “and God will provide for us.”  “And children?”  asked the father.  “How will you support children?”  “Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replied the fiancé.  As the conversation continued, each time the father questioned him, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.  Later the mother asked, “How did it go, honey?”  The father said, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.” 

            Idealism is not faith — it is an excuse.  Real faith, real manhood is seen in the realism of someone who is sacrificial, faithful and responsible. 

Rodney J. Buchanan

June 18, 2006

Mulberry St. UMC
Mount Vernon, OH
www.MulberryUMC.org
Rod.Buchanan@MulberryUMC.org